Premarital Instructions
Why do couples attend premarital classes? Most of them do this out of tradition or because that's what they have heard they should do. After the hearts and butterflies have gone away and you are married and settle into real life issues, you will look back and realize how important they were. With many questions on this site, you will look back and realize how important they were. With my questionnaire on this site, you will be able to see ahead of time your differences to avoid future problems. The one-on-one classes will help you get to know each other on all the key components of marriage.
The first step to making an appointment (all done on an individual basis-not a group) for free premarital counseling is for you BOTH to fill out the premarital questionnaire. This means both of you need to fill it out - I NEED 2 QUESTIONNAIRES, NOT 1, SENT TO ME. Many times, there are two entirely different perceptions from a couple and we need both for us to counsel you effectively. Once both you and your spouse have completed and emailed both of them to us, you can proceed to Step 2. We will not move forward with scheduling a counseling session if you do not send ALL your information in for BOTH of you.
This questionnaire may take a few days to complete-if so, that’s okay-take your time. These are very important things to think about before you marry for life and should be thought about and considered. It would be very disappointing to NOT know about an important but overlooked issue after you say I Do! So, after you have both filled out this series of questions, submit them to me, let me do the research before we sit down together-just you two and me, to talk.
Relationships with the Family
Your relationship with your partner’s parents and family may be one of the most
significant relationships in your married life. It is important at the outset of your
marriage and in the first years of your marriage to understand these relationships and
what blessings and difficulties may be ahead for you and your spouse.
1. List a few character traits or attributes about your partner's parents that you
really like. Why do you like these attributes?
2. What kind of involvement do you expect and / or want from your in-laws and
their family? Do you like over-involvement (closeness) more than under involvement
(distance) as a general rule (or visa versa)?
3. How do you feel about your spouse's relationship with his / her parents?
4. What kind of relationship do you think you have with your in-laws? What kind of
relationship do you want?
5. Do you look at your in-laws as mostly a help or a hindrance in your upcoming
or current marriage?
6. If you wish, write a personal letter or card to your in-laws (or future in-laws) with
some of the reflections from this section. What do you want to say to them?
What kind of a response would you expect?
7.. Do you plan to do #6 above?
Giving and Receiving Love
Anybody who has been in an intimate relationship (whether romantic or between
parent and child or just as a best friend) will know that people express and receive
love in differing ways. One attribute of a father might be a real toucher while the other is a problem-solver – and both are offering these attributes for the good of the
relationship.
1. Would you say it is you or your partner who shows the most affection?
2. How do you feel about public expressions of affection? Are there any important
rules about our public displays of affection that your partner should know?
3. How do you like best to express love for your partner? Provide several specific
examples. How does your partner express love for you? Provide a few
examples.
4. In what ways do you receive love the best? In what ways does your partner
receive love the best?
5. How did your parents give and receive love? How about your grandparents or
others that were around when you were growing up?
6. When you were a child, how did you imagine that you would give and receive
love when you grew up to be an adult?
7. Describe the impact on how you love your partner by the way in which your
family expressed love.
8. What impact do you think your partner’s family experience will have on how he
or she will show affection towards you?
9. Take some time to write your partner a short note or letter about what you have
learned from this section. Be a bit innovative in your creation! (use paper provided)
Personal Communication
There are probably more books written on personal communication in marriage than
any other subject (sexual affection may be a close second). Many newly married
couples believe that they were communicating effectively during their engagement
and early months of marriage. They find that they have been able to plan their
wedding, determine where to live, and establish who will do what during the first few
months. After several months of marriage they may find that there are a lot more
decisions and details to work through than had been anticipated. Therefore, learning
to communicate effectively with one another can eliminate many of the stresses that
might otherwise arise.
1. How would you like your partner to tell you and show you that you are
appreciated?
2. What is the best thing about your present communication?
3. What is most aggravating about your present communication?
4. How would you prefer your partner to request changes in some of the things
that you do or say?
5. When do you feel listened to by your partner (circle as many as apply)?
• Lets me talk without interruption.
• Agrees with what I am saying.
• Lets me say anything I want (within okay limits).
• Smiles at me when I talk.
• Faces me squarely and looks into my eyes (this can be hard when you are
driving)
• Doesn't get angry with me or reactive to me.
• Lets me do what is important to me.
• Asks questions and makes comments.
• Changes his / her mind to understand me.
• Puts away busyness (the TV or web surfing, etc.) to focus in.
• Tries to identify with my feelings.
• Values my opinion more than our friends or family.
• Other: ______________________________________________________
• Other: ______________________________________________________
• Other: ______________________________________________________
6. Some things my future partner does which make it difficult to share myself with
him/her are:
7. Some things my future partner does which make it easy to share with him/her
are:
8. One aspect of our relationship I've been reluctant to discuss with my partner
and wish to now is:
9. The way I usually resolve conflict is by:
10. The way my partner usually resolves conflict is by:
11. How do you anticipate forgiveness operating within your marriage?
12. Is forgiveness easy for you to offer?
13. Is offer forgiveness to someone who has hurt you difficult for you?
Conflicting, Fighting and Being Hurt
This section of the inventory focuses on one aspect of communication — conflict. The
importance of this review is to help you identify some of the causes of being hurt and
the feelings you experience in fighting or being hurt. But before you get busy, here is
our bias on this – we think that conflict is normal (that is, it happens in even the best
relationships) and that it can motivate you to change and grow. So, conflict is not
all bad.
1. When I have been hurt by something my partner has said or done, I (circle as
many as apply):
• Withdraw from my partner
• Do something to hurt him/her
• Get angry at him/her
• Play the martyr
• Pretend everything is fine
• Drop hints
• Get in a mood or pout
• Wait till he/she initiates forgiveness
2. The reason I respond like this is (circle as many as apply):
• To clear the air
• To get my partner to listen
• Because we're too different
• Making up is so nice
• The pressure piles up
• I want attention
• We can't agree
• I want something very much
• I have a short temper
• He/she starts it
• Nothing else works
3. I am most hurt by my partner when he/she (circle as many as apply):
• Pays more attention to work than me
• Puts another relationship first
• Is careless about money
• Doesn't keep up his / her appearance
• Embarrasses me publicly
• Does all the talking
• Leaves everything up to me
• Doesn't listen to me
• Goes out too much with friends
• Doesn't give me any space/peace
• Says no to sexual advances
4. How would you describe your way of handling conflict? How would you
describe your partner’s way of handling conflict? How would you describe your
parents’ way of handling conflict?
5. The worst things about our disagreements are (circle as many as apply):
• Name calling
• Physical violence
• Never finishing
• Hard to apologize
• Bringing up the past
• I always lose
• They're so frequent
• They last too long
• We never solve the problem
• They are vengeful
• My feelings are hurt
6. Fighting fairly is (please define what you think it is):
7. When there was fighting in your family of origin (the family you grew up in), you
would (describe what you would do):
8. The key to handling conflict in marriage is (this is your opinion):
Our Sexual Relationship
Some couples feel pretty tender about discussing their current and future sexual
relationship. Our experience is that couples about to be married do more than they
say and know a lot less than what they imply; and for newly married couples, that they are working (sometimes effectively, sometimes not) at figuring out what works best for them.
It can be very helpful to talk through each other's sexual ideas and hopes. Of course,
not all questions need to be answered. You decide what you want and is comfortable
for you. Just let me know.
1. What is your favorite part of your body? Do you feel comfortable in your own
skin?
2. Assuming that you are anticipating your first sexual experience with your
spouse, what are some of your thoughts, hopes, satisfactions and fears
regarding your sexual life in your marriage (upcoming or current)?
3. How do you think that the sexual needs of husband and wife may be different
in your marriage (don’t worry about all men or all women)?
4. How do you imagine that your wants and needs will be met within your
marriage? Be as specific as you like.
5. How do you imagine that you will handle your unmet sexual needs and wants?
6. What have you decided regarding birth control?
Weekly Experience Record
Life for everybody is difficult sometimes. The following chart gives you the opportunity of talking about when it gets bad. Your mentors know that it is not bad all the time.
Write: Rarely, Moderately or Frequently after the following
Anger, irritability, frustration
Anxiety, worry, fear, dread
Guilt, self-condemnation
Hopelessness, despair
Loneliness, isolation, cut-off
Helplessness, weak
Self-pity, poor me
Inferiority, worthlessness
Avoiding responsibility
Undisciplined, procrastinating
Attacking, defending
Withdrawing, quitting
Abusing alcohol or drugs
Overeating
Smoking
Sexual frustrations, upsets
Complying to pressure
Financial worries, fears
Inability to achieve
Other:
4. Describe any experiences you have had with counsellors (or others) where you
might have talked about your emotions and habits.
5. How do you think lifestyle habits are changed?
6. How do you think habits as a couple are changed?
Interests I / We Have
Friendship is a natural basis for marriage. Here we intend to explore both your
combined and separate interests, believing that both are important in your
relationship.
1. Please list at least five interests or activities that you and your partner share.
How frequently would you engage in this activity? (Feel free to use the in between
dashes!)
Daily - Weekly - Monthly - Less Frequently (List Activity or Interest)
1.1. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
1.2. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
1.3. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
1.4. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
1.5. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
2. Please list at least five interests or activities that one of you hold but the other
does not. Please identify if you or your partner hold this. How frequently is it
engaged in? (Feel free to use the in-between dashes!)
Daily - Weekly - Monthly - Less Frequently (List Activity or Interest)
2.1. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
2.2. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
2.3. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
2.4. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
2.5. D - W - M - LF_______________________________________
3. Prioritize, from the following items, your marital priorities (#1 being most
important, #10 being least important).
_____ Enjoyment and relaxation as a couple or as a family
_____ Community involvement, active in society
_____ Marriage, in enrichment, problem solving, couple dialogue, etc.
_____ Self, in personal growth, relaxation, sports, etc.
_____ Relationship to God in prayer, worship, church involvement
_____ Sexual satisfaction and freedom in marriage
_____ Getting ahead financially and making it
_____ Work, vocation or studies
_____ Developing meaningful friendships
_____ Children and their development
4. Is there one or more shared or separate interest that might result in conflict or
tension in your relationship?
5. Why might this be a source of tension?
6. Do your hobbies involve others that are not acceptable to your spouse?
Money and Vocational Expectations
Money and financial planning can cause great stress in marital relationships.
According to some research, it is a consistently difficult area for the newly married
couple and one of the major problems throughout the marital history. Money habits in
the first few years of marriage can carry on throughout the marriage history.
1. Who will manage the financial affairs of your family? Who should be the
money manager? Why is this so?
2. I should be able to make a purchase of $ ________ without first having to
discuss it with my spouse. Does your partner agree?
3. Estimate your combined annual after tax income: ____________. How much
would you allocate, on an annual basis, to the following?
• Rent, mortgage
• Groceries, household items
• Household operating expenses (including internet, cable, etc.)
• Clothes
• Appliances, furniture, major home items
• Automotive (insurance, gas, maintenance) and / or transportation
• Entertainment (including videos, movies, fun food, etc.)
• Recreation (skiing, biking, golfing, etc.)
• Insurance (medical, tenant, life, etc.)
• Tithing or giving to a church
• Holidays
• Gifts (Christmas, birthday, anniversaries)
• Cell phone, gym pass or other lifestyle expenses
• Other giving
• Savings
• Loan repayment
• Job enrichment
• Other: ______________________________________________________
• Other: ______________________________________________________
4. Suppose after you are married you suffer a significant financial setback. What
areas would you be willing to cut back in (list your major 3 or 4)?
5. Assume you both are employed outside the home because you need two
incomes to make ends meet. Then you are laid off and there is no work
available in your field in that city. What would you do?
• Move?
• Go back to school and retrain?
• Reduce your standard of living?
• Take any job?
• Other: ______________________________________________________
• Other: ______________________________________________________
6. What are your thoughts on an individual who is trained in a vocation or
profession, wanting to change to a new career, which entails several years of
schooling?
7. How do you feel about the wife / mother (or husband / father) working outside
the home after you have children?
8. What do you think about the husband / father working outside the home after
you have children?
9. How important is owning your own home or apartment?
10. When you define home do you think of a house, a townhouse, an apartment,
a summer home, etc.?
11. When you purchase your next car as a couple, how do you plan to pay for it?
12. Who decides on what kind of a car you purchase?
13. How do you make such a decision?
14. Is a CD player and a sunroof more important than having 4 doors
and a big trunk?
15. How would you describe yourself in terms of spending habits?
Frugal / Miserly Spendthrift / Extravagant
16. How would you describe your spouse in terms of spending habits? (circle one)
Frugal / Miserly Spendthrift / Extravagant
17. How would you like to be in terms of your spending habits? (circle one)
Frugal / Miserly Spendthrift / Extravagant
18. Describe your relationship together —(circle one)
Frugal / Miserly Spendthrift / Extravagant
19. Do you have a will? (When are you planning to draw up a will? You are
planning, aren’t you?)
Children and Expectations
It used to be said that couples had kids to save a broken marriage. It also was said
that couples should together for the good of their children. Well… both are true! Many
couples do find themselves pregnant when they want a better marriage. And it is a
great idea to stay together for the good of the kids. They style of staying together is in
your control too – will you be miserable and married? It is up to you.
1. Describe some of your best memories as being a child? Would you think of
your childhood as happy?
2. Do you plan to have children? If so, how many kids would you like to have?
3. If you could not have kids how would you handle that (or how have you
handled that)?
4. If you plan to have kids, when would you like to have your first, and what do
you figure is the best spacing between children?
5. In one sentence, say what having your own child would mean to you (or means
to you).
6. Describe how having children would affect your marriage (or has affected your
marriage).
7. What do you think your 5 best assets as a parent are / would be:
8. What do you think your spouse's 5 best assets as a parent are / would be:
9. What do you think your several liabilities as a parent are / would be:
10. What do you think your spouse's several liabilities as a parent are / would be:
11. What changes do you want to make from the way in which your own parents'
raised you?
12. How do you imagine your parents will be towards their grandchildren?
13. How will you invite / restrict your parents with your children?
14. Describe what you think your style as co-parents would be (or is).
Our Spiritual Relationship
1. Briefly describe your relationship with God.
2. How would you describe your spiritual life:
Very important / vital Depends Not my thing / not interested
3. How would you describe your spiritual life together as a couple:
Very important / vital Depends Not my thing / not interested
4. Do you feel spiritually equal to your partner? Are you intimidated in any way by
your partnerʼs spirituality?
5. What does it mean to you to be spiritually one? What does it mean to you to
be equally yoked together (an old King James bible phrase)?
6. How are you planning to incorporate personal and family devotional time into
your marriage? Do you do this now? (Do you know what this is all about?)
7. What does spiritual headship mean to you? (Look up Ephesians 5 in the New
Testament if you would like to see what it says in the bible.) Is this an upsetting / archaic / interesting concept for you?
8. What will you do to help or encourage your partner to grow spiritually? How do
you think you might be a hindrance to your partner spiritually?
9. What do you think is the best way your partner can help you grow spiritually?
10. Are you planning on participating as a couple in a spiritual community or
church?
11. Take a minute and write a prayer for yourself, your partner or your marriage.
(Use the paper provided)
For Those Previously Married
(skip this section if this is your first marriage or live-in relationship)
Some couples who come to me for premarital / marital counseling have been married or lived common law prior to this covenant. There are some particular issues that these
couples will need to face. These questions are intended to assist you in talking about
some of these issues.
Economic
· What do you know about your partner's financial situation; including debts, assets, alimony payments, child support and childcare expenses?
· What will your partner bring from his / her previous household arrangements in terms of furnishings and possessions?
· How does this affect your feelings of theirs and ours?
Legal
· What has your partner organized in terms of insurance and will?
· What legal obligations (financial, other) does your spouse bring into the marriage?
Co-Parental
· Contact with a former spouse can be upsetting. How does your partner cope with interactions with his / her ex? Your ex? And your former spouse's family - on both sides?
· What plans do you have regarding legal guardianship, adoption of stepchildren, and / or conception of new children in your marriage?
· What do you know about the personality and behavior of your partner's children?
· How will you integrate them into your new life together? What will your role be with your spouse's children (i.e. discipline)?
Emotional
· What sorts of feelings did your partner go through when his / her previous relationship dissolved? Which ones were hardest to cope with?
· How does your partner cope with these now?
· What are the unresolved issues in your previous marriage?
· 4.3. What is your area of fault in your previous marriage?
· How did your partner cope with being single? What has he/she gained/lost in terms of personal identity as a result of being single? What will he/she gain/lose by entering this new marriage?
· How is this relationship different than your previous one?
Sexual
· Have you talked with your spouse about your previous sexual relationship(s).
· Describe your expectations for your sexual relating.
· How long should foreplay last?
· Do you believe your spouse should do any and everything you want at their expense and even if it makes them uncomfortable if they love you?
· What is your plan to make sure you have regular intimacy uninterrupted?
· How often is normal to have intimacy per week?
· In your opinion, why did God create intimacy?
· What are the standards in your culture and in your family re:
• Virginity
• Promiscuity
• Keeping a mistress
• Pornography
• Privacy
• Double standards
• Other:
· What sexual standards did your family follow?
· In your opinion, is it okay to view pornography together as a couple?
IMPRINTS FROM CHILDHOOD
Every marriage has a different imprint experience because each person comes from a
family that has its own individual imprints — its own way to doing everything from celebrating holidays to settling disagreements. When the premarital couple comes from different identifiable cultural or ethnic groupings, extra care needs to be taken to understand how diverse ways of thinking, speaking, and behaving (i.e. imprints) affect
assumptions and values about marriage.
Many people approaching marriage are not aware of how their own imprints and family values shape their marital expectations. Neither are they aware of the extent to which a spouse's different upbringing will make the adjustment to couple-hood more complex. It is very important to discuss these issues before you marry so they do not surface out of the blue when it comes down to dealing with them in the future.
· What traditional beliefs or values or ideals exist from your childhood imprints concerning marriage and family?
· What was the normal practice in your imprints with regard to changing or retaining one's name when getting married?
· Who is expected to adapt the most in marriage (e.g. Is the woman expected to enter into the man's life and into his family and adapt more than the man)?
· Who was the actual leader in your family?
· How important was a sense of harmony and well-being (where mutual wellbeing was valued most) experienced in your family?
· How would you describe the role of your extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) played in your childhood?
· Were any religious practices observed in your family growing up?
· Was it ever stressed by anyone in your family how important school or college was?
· What was the highest grade level you completed?
· In your opinion, were you and your family well-off, medium income or poor?
· How did this affect the family as a whole?
· How did this affect you?
· What family holidays or traditions are celebrated?
· What is expected of you at these family times?
· What role would be exercised by grandparents, parents, children? Discuss the importance of loyalty to the family in your answers.
· How were disagreements settled?
· Who cared for the children's emotional needs?
· Who was responsible for
1. Discipline?
2. Who held authority in your family structure growing up?
3. Discuss the impact of religious practice on any of the above.
Communication Profile
What would the following gestures mean in your upbringing —
• Eye contact
• Avoiding eye contact
• Smiling
• Crying
• Talking about personal feelings
• Silence
· What topics are considered taboo in family, among couples?
· In decision-making is it important to consult your childhood family? If so, give an example.
· Are conflicts resolved with or without your childhood family input?
Couple Profile
· What is assumed to be the meaning and purpose of marriage in your
culture? In your family?
· Is socializing in your culture normally done as a couple or individually?
· Is closeness and intimacy valued or not valued in marriage in your
culture?
· What do you notice about the ways of thinking, acting, and speaking in
your partner’s culture that are different from your culture?
· Seeking out marriage counselling in your culture would be a sign of . . .
SOCIAL PROFILE
· In your opinion, is it okay to be best friends with a member of the opposite sex?
· In your opinion, is it okay to not share your passwords with your spouse?
· In your opinion, is it okay to go out with others without the permission of your spouse?
· In your opinion, is it okay to keep all the money you earn personally and spend it as you want to?