Quick Marriage Tips
Over the years, we have accumulated solutions for many marriage issues during counseling. We hope the information on this page will help you with your issues. Keep an eye out on this page and revisit it time to time for new solutions. You can also purchase our 7-8 minute solutions on DVD by calling our office at 210-521-8668.
WHAT MARITAL LOVE LOOKS LIKE
Love is being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of your spouse without impatience or anger.
OPEN MINDEDNESS VS. BEING JUDGMENTAL
Love is not being judgmental but looking for ways to encourage and praise. Trust me; you will walk through your own judgment! You know, casting the first stone.
PEACE VS. STRIFT & CONFLICT
Love is the daily, and sometimes HOURLY, commitment to resist conflict that comes from pointing out and responding to minor offenses!
HUMILITY VS. STUBBORNNESS 7 BEING PRIDEFUL
Love is being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding, and being more committed to unity and love than you are to whinning, accusing, or being right.
Love is taking responsibility for your actions and not blaming your spouse even when you think you are right.
OBSERVANT AND AWARE VS BEING OBLIVIOUS
Love is being the world's leading expert on your spouse! No one should know your spouse better than you.
DISHARMONY VS. PATIENCE
Love means being willing to take the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the problems that you face as a couple, staying on task until the problem is removed of you have agreed upon a solution.
FORGIVING VS. GRUDGE HOLDING
Love is asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness when it is requested always, and without expecting the same in return.
DECEIT VS. HONESTY
Love is being true to your word. Who you are when you are alone, is who you REALLY are.
SELF-CONTROL VS. AGITATION
Love is being kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack your spouse's character, or assault his or her intelligence. It takes at least 2 to argue-don't be one of them.
BEING AUTHENTIC & REAL VS. INSINCERITY
Love is being unwilling to flatter, lie manipulate, or deceive in any way to get your spouse to give you want or do something your way.
Love is keeping your own identity and allowing your spouse to keep theirs without feeling threatened. When your will and God's will line up, you are moving toward being a righteous person and will grow closer to God's heart. Move toward truly wanting to be unknown.
SELF- SACRIFICE VS. SELFISHNESS
Love is the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule, to make things easier on your spouse without expecting credit for it or complaining. Love is sacrifice without asking anything in return or using your sacrifices to place your spouse in debt.
FAITHFULNESS VS. WAVERING LOYALTY
Love is treating your spouse with appreciation, respect, and grace, even when they don't seem to deserve it. Isn't that what you want? Sow it first and then you will surely reap it! God said so!
Love is being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm your marriage, hurt your husband or wife, or weaken the bond of trust you.
SELFISHNESS VS. YIELDING
Love is refusing to be self-focused or demanding. Love yields always.
Love looks for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER...REALLY? THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE
So, we date, fall in love and are on our best behavior with each other and relatives. There are hearts & butterflies in the air and all rosey. You have spent spent mainly fun time together, but now you are married and must tend to everyday living details and its different than you thought it would be.
SOME INTERESTING THOUGHTS:
2. Make up your mind to embrace & enjoy the differences-both of you
3. You don't always have to have your way- learn to yield
4. Don't judge harshly- give each other grace and forgiveness
5. Give 10 times more than you take and do it not expecting to get it
6. Adjust your expectations- no one is perfect, including you!
7. Try to stop doing the things that irritate- that will bring about honor and peace
AFTER THE I DO'S
AFTER THE WEDDING- THE ADJUSTMENT
If you find yourself asking these questions, you're not alone. Who is this person I married? Who am i becoming in this relationship? Is marriage supposed to be this hard? All married couples go through periods of adjustment.
Adjusting to marriage involves uniting two sets of perceptions, expectations, needs, goals, and personalities.
Schedules, chores, in-laws, finances, vacations, children - coming together with the same goal in mind.
THE 4 STAGES OF ADJUSTMENT: THE FIRST 3 YEARS
HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND
10 TRAITS OF A GOOD HUSBAND
HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
10 TRAITS OF A GOOD WIFE
There are many aspect of a good wife and it's really not the same to everyone. That's why we need to go to God's word, once again, for our answers and adhere to the standard He set.
THE PERFECT WIFE (PROVERBS 31)
10] How hard it is to find the perfect wife.
She is worth far more than jewels.
11] Her husband depends on her. (She is dependable)
He will never be poor.
12] She does good for her husband all her life.
She never causes him trouble.
13] She is always gathering wool and flax
and enjoys making things with her hands.
14] She is like a ship from a faraway place.
She brings home food from everywhere. (She is a good shopper- good prices)
15] She wakes up early in the morning,
cooks food for her family, and gives the servants their share. (She cooks)
16] She looks at land and buys it.
She uses the money she has earned and plants a vineyard.
17] She works very hard
She is strong and able to do all her work. (She is independent but submissive)
18] She works late into the night
to make sure her business earns a profit. (a good administrator of the business)
19] She makes her own thread and weaves her own cloth. (She sews)
20] She always gives to the poor
and helps those who need it ( She is Charitable)
21] She does not worry about her family when it snows.
She has given them all good, warm clothes.
22] She makes sheets and spreads for the beds,
and she wears clothes of fine linen.
23] Her husband is a respected member of the city council,
where he meets with the other leaders.
24] She makes clothes and belts and sells them to the merchants.
25] She is a strong person, and people respect her.
She looks to the future with confidence. (She has a positive attitude)
26] She speaks with wisdom (she is a good counselor)
and teaches others to be loving and kind.
27] She oversees the care of her house. (She makes sure the home is clean and in order)
She is never lazy.
28] Her children say good things about her. (She spends time with the kids.)
Her husband brags about her and says, (she has her husband's admiration)
29] ''There are many good women,
but your are the best.''
30] Grace and beauty can fool you,
but a woman who respects the Lord should be praised.
31] Give her the reward she deserves.
Praise her in public for what she has done.
MAINTAINING YOUR MARRIAGE
Just as a car needs regular maintenance, your marriage does too- much more so! If you changed your oil, check you tire pressures, had it balanced and washed it only the first year you had it, how long would it has or even look? By the same token, if you work at making our marriage good only during the first year while it is new, how log do you think it will be before it starts to break down? The following are a few tips you can use to keep your marriage fresh!
We bring many different things into our opinion on how to solve problems
ROCK SOLID PRINCIPLES FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION:
Be a good listener-the language of love
Express your expectations
Schedule communication times
Develop a problem solving-plan
We bring many different things into our opinion on how to solve problems
It takes a great deal of work to have warmth and connectivity but few are ready to roll up their sleeves and accept the pain and sacrifice it takes to have it.
HOW NOT TO FIGHT WHEN THE CASH GETS TIGHT!
Ask a married couple what they always fight about. Chances are, the subject of money or finances will come up. Here are a few tips to help curb the conflict.
Write your financial plan on paper & keep track of your expenses.
MISTAKE: Couples talk about how much they make and make verbal plans and then accuse each other and fight over what was said.
SOLUTION: Print out calendars for the next 3 months, write down a plan that you both agree on, sign & date it. If things change as time goes by, both of you re-sign and re-date the new plan.
Always include luxury and entertainment in your budget regardless of how small it is.
MISTAKE: Budgeting every penny with no leeway for emergencies or fun.
SOLUTION: Remember that people work for things-not money- you must have fun or you will get depressed and give up, so:
Don’t put money before your relationship
MISTAKE: Couples tend to blame each other when things are financially rocky.
SOLUTION: Your relationship comes first, tough it out, pray together and forgive.
Always think about your spouse before yourself
Mistmake: In the heat of the moment, people zero in on their own needs which they feel are not being met, disregarding their partner's needs. They justify their right to yell and fight to be heard.
Solution: Don’t be selfish and don’t think selfishly. Listen and care more about understanding your mate's point of view and their needs than your own and being heard. Don’t ever buy something that your partner didn’t know about or that wasn't planned by both of you. No secrets.
Focus on your goals
MISTAKE: We revert to our old routine- we see a restaurant and go off budget.
SOLUTION: Plan an allowance in your budget for spur of the moment desires, but set a limit when you first make the budget and stick to it!
Learn to YIELD
MISTAKE: Pride can cause people to stand their ground when they are wrong rather than argue.
SOLUTION: When you blow it, ask forgiveness and promise not to do it again-then don’t!
Don’t make life changing decisions in the heat of the moment
DEPRESSION & MARRIAGE
Depression is a mental illness that can negatively affect both partners in a marriage.
7 COMMON SIGNS OF DEPRESSION
HEADLINES AND TRENDS
Approximately 19 million people in the United States are diagnosed with depression per year. Women are diagnosed with depression twice as much as men.
1. According to the National Depression and Manic Depression Association, untreated depression costs the United States an estimated 43 billion dollars a year due to absenteeism from work, lost productivity and medical costs.
HOW TO GET AND KEEP YOUR WIFE INTERESTED IN YOU!
If you practice these behaviors, she just might wake up and start noticing you again and decide she wants to be with you more than anyone else in the world. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain by giving it your all.
FRIENDSHIP & FUN
Put the following list on your refrigerator door:
Friendship & Fun in a marriage are 2 of the biggest predictors of long-term marital satisfaction.
1. What happens to fun in most marriages? Many couples move from being best friends who have a lot of fun together before they get married to a more intense and serious relationship as the years go by. The problem is that as time goes by, anger, resentment and unforgiveness build up and they lose that closeness and friendship.
2.How do most married couples see themselves? As simply husband & wife instead of as friends.
3.How do friends see each other? Friends have more patience with each other, listen without blaming, show respect for each other's feelings even if they disagree, celebrate special occasions, extend grace and forgiveness more readily, and practice kindness towards each other, make each other feel safe, don't try to change each other and compliment and talk more to each other.
4.What does having fun do for a marriage? It builds positive memories reduces stress, produces affirmation and support and causes good communication.
INEXPENSIVE BUT CREATIVE IDEAS
SEPARATION & DIVORCE
Divorce is a sad fact of life but there is nothing new about it- parents have been getting divorced for centuries.
Divorce means something went wrong. Two people who, for all the right or wrong reason, had pledged themselves to stick together to provide a secure family base for their children, are now splitting up. It didn't work out the way it was planned.
No one Wants to get divorced. But it happens, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:
1. Please remember, children love both parents. Ideally, you should try to stay married for the sake of children, but if you have had sound counseling and marriage classes and it's still making all of you unhappy, then its best to plan an amicable divorce. You have a responsibility towards your children to provide a loving and caring home.
Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to "stay together for the children". Ongoing violence, drug abuse etc. are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out.
2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling insecure. Consider a mediator rather that an attorney. It will run between $400.00 & $600.00!
3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child and no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as unbiased as you can, even though it may not be easy at times but do not put your spouse down. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too so they don't feel abandoned.
4. Do not defend the other parent if he/she proves to be constantly unreliable- not turning up for the visits when promised, not calling them or keeping in touch, failing to send cards and presents, etc. Your child will be deeply disappointed, hurt, perplexed, and will believe (s)he must have done something wrong. Make it clear that it is NOT your child's fault that you separated, nor their fault that the other parent is so unreliable.
5. Even if you have been badly hurt or angry, you must encourage your child to keep in contact with the other parent through phone calls, letters and occasional visits. Of course, if the visits become unpleasant, you might have to stop that. Usually, children need to know that both parents can be contacted. Don't pass on your perceptions and prejudices to your child.
6. Never send messages to the other parent through your children. If you have something to communicate, pick up the phone and say it; don't involve your children in your fights and arguments.
7. If the other parent really is harmful or abusive through your children, then do everything in your power to protect them. But make sure this is not your own pain, guilt or jealousy speaking!
8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be battled and forth between the two places. But if the other parent is in a better position (emotionally, financially, whatever) look after the kids- then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.
9. Be sensitive about introducing new boyfriends/ girlfriends into the home. Children will harbor, for long time, a fantasy that their parents will be back together. Bringing a new lover into the home dashes those hopes and will often result in an angry backlash from them. Understand where they are coming from and take it slowly.
10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into a good one. If it doesn't kill you, you will come out of it stronger. That's the lesson your children will learn and have hope instead of despair about human relationships.
Fighting over your kids- custody, visitation, parenting- is the worst possible thing that can happen to you or your kids. It's always ugly. Studies show that harm to children is more closely related to conflict after the divorce. Everyone has conflict before and during a divorce, but if you want to protect your children, get finished with the conflict and resolve it, at least within yourself, as quickly as possible. Children learn much more by what you model than by what you say. By continuing conflict after the divorce, you are teaching your children by your actions that problems can't be solved.
Children need their relationship with both parents. There is a bonding between parent and child that cannot easily be replaced by a surrogate parent or stepparent. To protect the essential parent- child relationship, you have to insulate children fro your own conflict with their other parent. The divorce is not their problem; it's yours. Being a bad wife or husband does not ake your spouse a bad parent.
So Don't hold the children hostage- they are not pawns or bartering pieces in your game. When it comes to the parenting schedule, Don't bargain with your spouse on any other basis than what will give your children the most stability and the best contact with both parents.
The worst thing for the child of a broken home is feeling responsible for the breakup and feeling that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. These feelings cause children intense stress and insecurity. To protect your child from almost unbearable pain, DON'T say anything bad about the other parent in front of the child; don't undermine or interfere in any way wit the child's relationship with or love for the other parent; don't put the child in a position of having to take sides.
Do encourage every possible kind of constructive relationship your child can have with your ex-mate. Let the children know that you are happy when they have a good, loving time with their other parent.
Kids can really get on your nerves at a time like this, and single parenting is enough overwhelm any normal person. You are not superman or Wonder Woman, and kids are not designed to be raised by one lone person. You need help and support, and you need time off from the kids. Make a point of getting help from the family, friends and the many parent support groups and family services agencies throughout the United States. Get references to groups by calling churches or social service agencies throughout the United States. Get references to groups by calling churches or social service agencies.
9 TIPS TO RENEWING INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE
1.) Add romantic gestures, words and thoughts on a very regular basis. Be romantic even if you believe that you are not the romantic type.
2.) Rebuild your trust, if necessary, and open yourself up emotionally so that you can discuss your vulnerability. Some examples of raising trust in your relationship would be to openly admit your wrong doings and to be transparent about your actions--not trying to hide where you are going or what are you going to go.
3.) Intimacy and a false sense of pride don't go together. Practicing humility, forgiveness and understanding are the way to have a successful relationship. Apologize.
4.) Surprise your spouse- Remember how you loved surprising your partner before marriage? Uncalled for gifts and outings and love notes help to restore intimacy. Don't take each other for granted.
5.) Initiate physical intimacy- Don't fall into routine sex. Be creative in the bedroom- dance for each other- put on lingerie, draw a big bubble bath, give a sensuous massage. The more often you make love- the more often you will want to. Read some good books on exciting marital sex TOGETHER to see how to add some new ways to please your spouse. Do not neglect this vital part of marriage.
6.) Go out on dates- Make dates together.
7.) Stop complaining, criticizing, condemning and worrying - Problems are a part of daily living. Your spouse is not a therapist to whom you dole out your everyday complaints and tensions. Talk romantic and fun as much as you can. Be a lover.
8.) Spend time together and communicate. Turn off the TV, cell phone and listen to each other. Make decisions together. Massage each other's back while you talk! Touch is key! This will rekindle those early, happy memories and passionate feelings.
9.) Appreciate your spouse and show it. Remember that no one is perfect. You should focus on his/her positive traits. Be verbally demonstrative!
Your Intimacy Rule Books-
UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE'S RULES
WHAT DOES BIRTH ORDER HAVE TO DO IT?
EDITING YOUR RULEBOOK!
Not to do but it is possible with a lot of work and paradigm shifts!
Affection, Romance, and Intimacy- How They Area All Linked
5 ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENTS TO INCREASE INTIMACY
The circumstances in your marriage may never change, but your attitude CAN change your marriage. Your marriage can change in a matter of days if you change your attitude to one of giving without expectations. If your attitude changes, so will quality and frequency of intimacy in your marriage.
Each day you wake up, happiness is a choice you can make- it's yours for the taking. The glass really is half full - not empty.
GOURMET SEX VERSUS A HOUSE SALAD
Fun and Romance
HOW TO REDISCOVER THE FIRE OF LOVE AGAIN
Together, work on building your sense of humor. Couples who can laugh at themselves or at their situation usually feel stronger when problems arise. Laughter can sometimes release negative tension both physically and psychologically.
Benefits of Laughter
Laughter reduces the level of stress hormones like cortisol, epinephrine (adrenaline), dopamine and growth hormone. It also increases the level of health-enhancing hormones like endorphins, and neurotransmitters. Laughter increases the number of antibody-producing cells and enhances the effectiveness of T cells. All this means a stronger immune system, as well as fewer physical effects of stress.
Laughter brings the focus away from anger, guilt, stress and negative emotions in a more beneficial way than other mere distractions.
Studies show that our response to stressful events can be altered by whether we view something as a 'threat' or a 'challenge'. Humor can give us a more lighthearted perspective and help us view events as 'challenges', thereby making them less threatening and more positive.
Social Benefits of Laughter
Laughter connects us with others. Also, laughter is contagious, so if you bring more laughter into your life, you can most likely help others around you to laugh more, and realize these benefits as well. By elevating the mood of those around you, you can reduce their stress levels, and perhaps improve the quality of social interaction you experience with them, reducing your stress level even more!
T.V. and Movies
There's no shortage of laughter opportunities from the entertainment, both at the theater and in the aisles of the video stores, as well as at home with T.V. comedies. While wasting your time watching something marginally funny may actually frustrate you, watching truly hilarious movies and shows is an easy way to get laughter into your life whenever you need it.
Laugh With Friends
Going to a movie or comedy club with friends is a great way to get more laughter in your life. The contagious effects of laughter may mean you'll laugh more than you otherwise would have during the show, plus you'll have jokes to reference at later times. Having friends over for a party or game night is also a great setup for laughter and other good feelings.
Aside from forwarding emails that make us chuckle (which isn’t bad, as long as you’re sure not to forward things that people may find annoying), most people don’t just tell jokes anymore, which is too bad. If you cull the Internet, Reader’s Digest and other sources for just one or two good jokes, you’ll find that the laughter is often contagious, others may share jokes right back, and you’re suddenly having more fun in your life. You might like to invest in a good joke book
Find Humor In Your Life
Instead of complaining about life's frustrations, try to laugh about them. If something is so frustrating or depressing it's ridiculous, realize that you could look back on it and laugh.' Think of how it will sound as a story you could tell to your friends, and then see if you can laugh about it now. With this attitude, you may also find yourself being more lighthearted and silly, giving yourself and those around you more to laugh about. Approach life in a more mirthful way and you'll find you're less stressed about negative events, and you'll achieve the health benefits of laughter.
'Fake It Until You Make It'
Just as studies show the positive effects of smiling occur whether the smile is fake or real, faked laughter also provides the benefits mentioned above. So smile more, and fake laughter; you'll still achieve positive effects, and the fake merriment may lead to real smiles and laughter.
Having fun is an important part of stress management. Because studies show such wonderful health and stress relief benefits to laughter and even the anticipation of laughter, having fun should be a priority in the life of anyone who wants better health, greater happiness and less stress. Here are some strategies for having more fun in your life:
Have Friends Over More Often
Most people find themselves very busy these days — often busier than they want to be. While the activities that occupy our time are important, having fun is equally important. While busy lifestyles can sap us of our spontaneity, having friends over and setting aside some time just to play can offer a regular outlet for having fun. Worried that your house is too messy to have people over? There are simple and stress-relieving methods for cleaning, and you’ll likely find that less clutter leads to less stress anyway.
Have a Regular Game Night
Many people associate having fun with games, but how many people regularly indulge in a game night? Whether you rotate hosting the game night among a group of friends, you stay home and play with your family, or you go out and find a sports league or bingo night somewhere, finding a regular outlet for playing games can be a great stress reliever and method of having fun.
Take a trip to Barnes & Noble!
Spend a couple of hours in the bookstore enjoying the humorous coffee table books and the humor section. Halfway through your date, mosey on in to Starbucks for a cup of java or hot cocoa. Limit the conversation to your enjoyment of each other or to planning your next date. Leave the talk of work, finances or children out of the equation!
REDISCOVERING LAUGHTER & PLAY IN YOUR MARRIAGE
Why we stop playing as we grow older:
HOW TO HAVE A PARADIGM SHIFT AND START LAUGHING
Benefits of Laughter
Together, work on building your sense of humor. Couples who can laugh at themselves or at their situation usually feel stronger when problems arise. Laughter can sometimes release negative tension both physically and psychologically.
Don’t make it expensive, make it thoughtful
Find out what your spouse’s love language is and plan your special day or night according to THEIR love language-not yours!
WINE EM’ AND DINE EM’!
FIX YOUR ATTITUDE TO GIVE-NOT TAKE!
MAKE FUN YOUR AIM-THAT LEADS TO ROMANCE!
Call the radio station ahead of time: Dedicate a song to your valentine.
BE VIGILANT! THE FIVE WARNING SIGNS OF A DETERIORATING MARRIAGE
Criticism- Often this can start out as complaining. There are always things that can annoy us about our spouses. However, when u it moves into criticism there can be real problems in the marriage. '' Criticism involves attacking someone's personality or character-- rather than a specific behavior--usually with blame.'' Criticism tends to be generalized rather than about a specific issue. This one can often sneak into relationships because moving from airing a complaint-- which is very healthy-- can often be confused or turned into a criticism.
Contempt- Over time, if spouses are not careful criticism can often move into contempt. This is when there is intention to insult and psychologically abuse your spouse. As this happens it is often hard to be affectionate or loving to one another and it can sometimes be hard to imagine why you fell in love with you spouse in the first place.
Defensiveness- Often defensiveness comes in reaction to contempt. It can become automatic to defend yourself when you feel you are being attacked. Defensiveness can be actions such as denying responsibility, making excuses, turning a complaint or criticism around on the other spouse, cross-complaining or returning a complaint from your spouse with a complaint of your own. Instead, listen to your spouse's complaint, and try to change that behavior. If you only try to protect yourself, the problem will never be resolved.
Stonewalling- This can sometimes follow many painful interaction of contempt and defensiveness. If the couple cannot progress in their problems towards solutions, often one of the spouses (men are more likely) begins to stonewall in conversations. This means that he or she doesn't react when the other spouse is mad at them. They ignore the situation or turn into a ''stone wall'' they either emotional or sometimes physically leave the conversation or the room.
Indifference- The last warning sign the marriage is in trouble is when one or both spouses just do not care about anything couple related. If this occurs, divorce or an affair is only a step away.
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN
The reason a clock works is because of all gaps are perfectly and intricately filled in by the gears and wheels. Each part is completely different than its counterpart. If each part were the same, the clock would be a heap of metal and not function.
If an orchestra were made up all violins or all drums and they all were tuned exactly the same, it wouldn't sound very good. Different instruments playing in Harmony together make a beautiful melody.
Men & women fill very different roles and both are needed to be whole in a family. Children are blessed when their 2 parents understand and appreciate each other's differences. Let's look at a few of these differences.
MEN & WOMEN KEEP SCORE DIFFERENTLY
Men: think they are scoring big w/a woman when they do something big for her- he may think it's worth 50 points- she sees it as 1 point. Then, because he feels he is ahead, he stops doing anything else for her until she catches up.
Women: Everything a man does counts as 1 point- big small, therefore, he is behind most of the time. For her to feel loved and supported, he needs to continually be doing little things for her.
Yes- it is healing for him- he begins to see himself as her hero as she shows him appreciation and admiration- therefore, they both get what they need.
He needs her acknowledgment that is he always working on the next big thing for her- for her to step back it seems nothing is happening and realize he is working on something for her behind the scenes. He needs her to know that it doesn't mean he doesn't love her, but is becoming more focused on doing big things again. Ex: a workaholic husband- the addition to success.
She begins to manifest resentment, unforgiveness and anger. She subtracts his score of 10 from her score of 40 and determines he has a zero- he has a 10, but she has reduced his points because she feels abandoned and unloved because it seems to her he has stopped earning points while she has continually been doing little 1 point things for him. Then, they both stop and find their marriage in trouble.
She needs to take responsibility for letting the score get so uneven- she needs to step back, pamper herself a while and allow her husband to take care of her and build up the points again. She must stop blaming him for the problem and give him a new scorecard. She needs to start valuing him for his effort.
When he feels unappreciated, he stops giving his support- he needs to understand that she needs to receive for awhile and release his compulsion to focus on the big thing. He can give her his time, touches and words of endearment. When he realize she has come up with a solution that works and returned to being the hero, he will release his own resentment and balance & harmony can be restored quickly.
NEEDS ARE DIFFERENT
WHAT WOMEN NEED:
WHAT MEN NEED:
THINK ABOUT IT
QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF
HOW MEN AND WOMEN COMMUNICATE DIFFERENTLY
Are dramatic and share feelings. They communicate to build relationships. They tend to be more active listeners and give more than men. They give and expect to receive details. Women use 6000-8000 words daily.
Want the facts and normally communicate to share their information and solve problems. Men use 2000-4000 words a day.
EMOTIONAL NEEDS ARE DIFFERENT
Seek to nurture, shelter and care. See themselves as settlers, peacemakers and designers- are driven to relate, associate and cultivate. Ask them who they are and they will respond in terms of relationships.